Collapse into me, tired with joy (desire_billy) wrote in lotrporn,
Collapse into me, tired with joy

  • Mood:

Dom Is In Pain

Title: I’m So Tired
Author: desire_billy
Pairing: Billy/Dom
Rating: PG
Feedback: Please
Summary: Dom can't live without Billy
Author's Notes: (Song lyrics belong to Evanescence)

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

Dom sat alone in his apartment in L.A. He missed Billy. It had been six months since they split. It was the same almost every night now. Dom in the dark drinking, crying for Billy. “Why won’t Billy’s memory leave me the fuck alone?!” Dom would scream. It’s over. Over.

Billy ended it. Billy had said, “It was fun, but it’s over now. We have new lives to get on with. OK? Good bye Dom.” Dom had wanted to scream at Billy, “NO, it’s not OK. I LOVE YOU.” But he didn’t. He just sat there in his flat in New Zealand and looked at Billy. Fun? What about all the nights they spent holding each other. All the things they had done, all the things that had been said. It wasn’t like it was just sex. Was it? Dear God was it? Why didn’t he have the nerve to ask Billy? He knew. He was so scared Billy would say yes. He just sat there and let a smiling Billy walk out of his life. No good bye. No long teary embrace at the airport. Just gone. Gone.

The last cast party was that night. Dom knew it was going to be hard to leave his new found friends, but he thought for sure he and Billy would stay at Billy’s in Scotland for awhile then maybe go to L.A. No, they had never spoken of it, but…. Dom didn’t go to the cast party. He stayed in that same black leather recliner he was in when Billy said good bye. He wasn’t sure how long he had been there. The only time get got up was to get another beer. He was in such a heart wrenching stupor that he did not hear the pounding at his door. Suddenly he saw Viggo standing in front of him. At first he thought he must have past out and was dreaming. Viggo was hear to read some poetry or make some all knowing universal off the wall pain in the ass comment that Dom had gotten used to hearing when things went wrong. Dom just sat there looking at Viggo waiting for it.

Viggo reached out and put his hands on Dom’s shoulders and with the weight of his hands Dom realized he was really there. Dom looked at the door hoping against hope that Billy would be there too. But, no. No one. Dom noticed it was dark. Billy had walked out at breakfast. It was night now. Cold and dark like Dom’s heart. He had been sitting, drinking and crying for hours. He looked up at Viggo and felt numb.

Viggo knelt in front of Dom and said, “We were worried about you when you didn’t show up at the party.”

“We?” Dom asked. He knew Billy was not in that category. If he had been he would have been there. God, Billy was going to just leave Dom all alone with his pain. Dom closed his eyes and a tear escaped.

Viggo leaned his forehead to Dom’s and said, “I’m so sorry Dom. I know you loved him. Did you ever tell him?”

Dom barely choked out a no before he fell into Viggo sobbing with every ounce of love he had ever felt for Billy. “How could he, Viggo. How do you spend a year with someone and then just leave? Oh God Viggo, it hurts so fucking bad!”

Viggo held onto Dom telling him that time would answer all his questions. Only time had all the answers.
“Jesus, Viggo. I don’t think I can’t wait,” Dom sobbed.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

Now here it was six months later and all Dom had accomplished when it came to Billy was he could now Say Billy’s name without curling into the fetal position and waiting to be rescued by Viggo, Orli or Elijah. So many nights one if not all of them would come by to check on Dom only to find him drunk and past out or damn close to it.

“He can’t go on like this, Viggo,” Orli had said one night after they had stopped by and had to break into Dom’s apartment because Dom was past out on the floor. They picked Dom up and put him into bed. Viggo sat at the end of the bed and sighed.

“Did Elijah ever speak with Billy about this?” He asked Orlando.


Viggo waited for Orlando to elaborate but got a stone-faced look instead. Viggo shook his head as he whispered “Jesus, Billy.” Viggo stood and walked into Dom’s living room followed by Orlando. Damn this place was a wreck. Dom was a wreck. Viggo knew they had to do something. First of all he could not think in this pigsty. “Orlando, help me clean this place.”

Silently they went to work. Beer bottles littered the stained floor. Overflowing ashtrays were everywhere. Orlando couldn’t help notice there was hardly any evidence of food. He walked back to Dom’s bedroom and looked the helpless figure that had once had so much energy in it. Such a love of life; now… Orlando shook his head and walked back to help Viggo.

“Where is Elijah?” Viggo asked Orlando.

“He’s back in town. Just got back Monday.”

“Call him. Tell him we need him here now.” Orlando did not question the older man’s request. Orlando himself felt helpless to the situation. Viggo had been around. Maybe he could help. Somehow. Maybe.

Orlando dialed Elijah’s cell number. “Wood here.”

“Hey it’s Orli. Viggo wants you to come over to Dom’s. We need help.”

Elijah’s heart leapt into his throat. This was his worse fear. Dom had gone and done something stupid. Damn, damn, damn Billy.

“Orli…is he…?”

“No, God no, Lij. I would have said that to start with. No he’s just in a bad way. Place is a mess, and I’m pretty sure he has not been eating. I don’t know what Viggo has in mind, but Jesus I hope he can do something. I can’t stand for the Dom we once knew to have ended up like this.”

Elijah heard Orlando’s voice quiver. He knew how Orli felt. The fellowship had definitely broken. The once happy ring of friends was now divided. Sean A. and Sean B. both felt that Dom would eventually pull out of it.

“What did Billy do that was so bad?” Sean B. had asked Elijah one day at lunch when Elijah was expressing his concerns.

“Excuse me?! He left Dom feeling like a piece of meat. You don’t spend a year of your life with someone, then just bail because you’re now famous and have movie deals coming in!”

“Listen Lij all I’m saying is that Dom never told Billy he loved him. Yeah we may have all know. Maybe even Billy knew, but Dom never told him. Plus they never spoke of the future. It wasn’t like they had made plans for after the picture was finished.”

“Maybe, but damn. You haven’t seen Dom. He’s a shell of a man. They experienced so much together. Dom was always there for Billy. No matter what”

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

Elijah arrived at Dom’s within fifteen minutes after speaking with Orli. Elijah didn’t even knock when he got there; he just stormed in to find Viggo and Orlando tying up 4 very large trash bags. He could hear the glass of the beer bottles clink as Viggo lifted them to take out. Elijah looked down and sighed. Orlando cocked his head towards Dom’s bedroom. Elijah nodded and walked into the room.

He was taken back by what he saw. It had only been 9 weeks since he left to go make his latest movie. How could Dom have crashed so fast? The once dashing young man lay on top of dirty sheets in ratty boxers and a faded red under shirt staring up to the ceiling. His face had not been shaved in weeks. He looked like a shipwreck victim.

Elijah walked farther into the room and sat on the bed. Dom never even noticed. His arms were behind his head, his eyes bloodshot and Elijah knew Orli was right. Dom had not been eating. He was sustaining this life on beer and tears. Elijah couldn’t look anymore. He stood up and walked out to join Viggo and Orlando.

“What can I do?” Elijah asked Viggo.

“Call him. Get him on the phone, then let me talk to him.” Elijah knew he was right. Billy would never talk to Viggo about this. Viggo had tried weeks ago only to get the brush off. Billy had spoken to Elijah a few weeks ago; Elijah had played it off pretty good right till the end. As soon as he mentioned Dom’s name Billy had to go. Elijah knew from the look on Viggo’s face that was not going to happen this time.

“Billy Boyd speaking.”

“Always the professional huh, Billy?” Elijah thought.

“Yeah man! What’s up?”

“Lij!! You little wanker how are you? Finished with that movie already?”

Before Elijah could answer Viggo took the receiver from him. “Billy DO NOT hang up.” Viggo said.
Billy’s hand started to drop to the phone base, but he heard Viggo again, “Billy, damn it man, listen to me.”

“What is it Viggo? I have things to do.”

“You’re damn right you do! Billy you have to fix this. He wasting away.”

Billy breathed into the receiver. “Viggo, what do you want me to do? Come riding up on a white horse and rescue him? What we had was great, but we never made a commitment to each other.”

“That’s bullshit Billy and you know it. You know Dom loves you. How…”

Billy interrupted him. “Listen Viggo I can’t do this, OK? Dom is in good hands there. Now really I…”

It was Viggo’s turn to interrupt. Viggo jumped off the sofa and screamed into the phone, “Fuck Billy. He’s dying! Do you hear me? He’s dying. How does that make you feel? I don’t give a shit right now what project you’re working on. FIX THIS!”

Orlando and Elijah had jumped in their seats when Viggo jumped up and stared screaming at Billy. Viggo never lost it. “This is serious,” Orlando said in a whisper.

Suddenly there was breathing on the line.


Viggo turned around fast and ran into Dom’s room. Dom was standing there with the receiver in his hand.
Orlando and Elijah ran up behind Viggo not understanding what was going on. Orlando entered the room at a quickened pace and told Dom to give him the phone.

Dom didn’t acknowledge him at all. He just said, “Billy?”

Viggo held his extension up to his ear waiting for Billy’s response. Nothing.

“Billy, I know you’re there. I can hear you breathing. If anyone would know what that sounds like it would be me. So many nights I laid next to you as you slept listening to you breath.”

Orlando turned and looked helplessly at Elijah. Elijah’s heart was breaking for Dom. What was Billy doing? Damn it Billy, damn it!

When Orlando and Elijah looked hopefully at Viggo, Viggo just shook his head. “Jesus, Billy say something,” Viggo demanded.

Dom spoke instead. “Billy do you remember that night we spent alone in the Shire? Just you and me under the stars?”

Billy did remember. It was one of the memories of the entire trip in New Zealand he was trying desperately to forget. “Yes, Dom. I do remember.”

Viggo looked up at Orli and Lij his eyes wide letting them know Billy had spoken. The three looked over at Dom. Dom was visibly shaken at hearing Billy’s voice for the first time in six months. “It was nice wasn’t it Billy? Just you, me and thousands of stars. You said I was the brightest star there that night. I never told anyone what you said to me that night.”

The three voyeurs in this conversation looked at each other with questioned looks. Viggo could here Billy breath in suddenly. Viggo shook his head and raised his hand to let the boys know Billy had not yet responded.

“Do you remember what you said Billy? Do you? You left it open to me, but I said nothing. Now I’m left to try to make sense of it all, and I can’t.”

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

“Billy, I can’t. You voice your face haunts my days and nights. The ghost of your touch is slowly killing me.”
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

“Dom, why? You killed me that night.”

“What?” Viggo mouthed silently eyes wide. Orlando and Elijah both reached for the receiver in Viggo’s hand. Viggo pulled back causing Orlando and Elijah to crash into each other. Viggo glared at them as if they were children. Orlando just stared back and mouth, “WHAT?”

“Billy I was scared. The end of the shoot seemed so far away. I guess I thought you’d say again. But you never did.”

Viggo, Orlando and Elijah raised their eyebrows in unison at hearing Dom say this. Viggo understood. He handed the phone to Orlando who snatched it up before Elijah could grab it. Elijah ran into Orlando so he could share the receiver. Dom was oblivious to any of this. Viggo walked out of the room and went to the sofa sitting on it with a loud thump.

‘Dom you have never been alone in this heartache. This started months ago, and you know it. The rest of those guys sit there having pity for you and cursing me. But I never said anything. I never said anything after that night in the shire. We may have been in New Zealand another seven months together, but I was alone! All along I felt alone.”

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Orlando was beginning to understand. He just looked at Dom with his mouth open. He handed the receiver to Elijah and joined Viggo on the sofa. They looked at each other shaking their heads. Elijah held the receiver close as Dom said, “I know it’s too late Billy, but you were right. I was so wrong Billy. I’m sorry. I should have told you that night how much I loved you. But when you said it first I froze.”

Elijah’s eyes flew open. He turned to Dom, “What?” Dom never heard him.

“I love you Billy. I’m so very sorry. I’m so tired Billy, so tired.” Dom began to sob.

“ So am I Dom. So am I.”
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic